I keep hearing these terrible rumors about Britney and her “Fiance” supposedly becoming the next Newlyweds on MTV. I read on Salon (in a really good article that I highly recommend you read) that “the prospect of Spears’ opening her hormone-racked heart and home to cameras inspired such delight among bored Web surfers that the New York media blog Gawker soon posted several homemade petitions urging NBC* to back up the rumor with a contract.”
From the text of the online petition:
Not only will I, the Undersigned, tune in, but millions of others who, like me, will enjoy a front-row seat to the most glorious downward-spiral of the last decade.
I mean, I’m not going to actually do so, but part of me wants to sign the petition just because the text of it is SO very witty. However, I cannot fathom seeing more Britney than I am unwillingly exposed to on a daily basis. Moreover, I can’t fathom watching her grope that skeezy, trucker-hat wearing, dirty t-shirted, scruffy freeloader. I mean, who the fuck are Britney’s friends? Her family? I can only HOPE that the people in my life would have the balls to sit me down and say: dude, Lauren, open your eyes. I mean, this screams INTERVENTION. I guess everyone around her is too afraid to piss her off and lose their cut of the cash. Hmm. More support for the “money isn’t everything” and “money can buy you a bunch of yes-people so you can completely fuck your life up” theories.
Please, if you’re reading this, and you find that I am either currently or in the future completely deluding myself… Please, please tell me. No matter how much cash I have. Hell, sooner or later, the person with the cash has to learn that the people who actually said “HELLO?” are their true friends. Right? Perhaps I am giving these people whom I am addressing (including Britney) too much credit. Oh well, now I’ve gone and spun myself in circles.
[*I think they meant MTV?].