Monthly Archives: July 2005

I love Stewie!

Stewie Griffin is one of my heroes! Here’s one of my favorite Stewie clips… there are SO many great ones, but this one rocks:

Brother please! Yo’ the one who’s trippin’! Go on, cry home to yo momma, she waitin’ for ya! I don’t sweat you! Bring it on bitch, now how ya gonna act? Sheesh, bringin’ that trash in here… this is MY HOUSE!

Official Statement of Retraction : Re. Swearing Off Dating

So, even as I made my proclamation to swear off dating, I knew it was somewhat of a flawed statement, but I needed to make it at the time. I have recently allowed myself to begin dating again, and I am now officially retracting my statement claiming that I would no longer date. I can now see how ludicrous it was to say that, but I’d been through a terrible run of bad luck with guys (boys?!) at the time, and I was just fed up. However, I’ve never really been one to just utterly give up, which is why, even as I made the statement, I knew that it was more of a momentary reaction than, say, a true and lasting declaration of celibacy.

That being said, I am learning more and more about this fun and awful world of dating. Each turn I take on the wild ride of dating has taught me something, so I guess that’s all I can really ask… to learn from these flawed experiments that I’ve called “dates.” Ha. And I shall continue to learn and make mistakes because once we close ourselves off from the possibility of learning, we settle for the comfort and monotony of the known. My thirst for knowledge will not succumb to the whims of my emotions, no matter how many tears and lashings my heart must endure. I always come back to this one quote by C.S. Lewis, so if you’ve known me for some period of time, you’ve probably seen this before, but it is a gem. If you haven’t known me for long (or perhaps do not even know me at all), then I am overjoyed that I can share this wonderful quote with you, just as it was shared with me by someone in my past who was near and dear to my heart. It helps me to come back out of my shell time and time again:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket –safe, dark, motionless, airless– it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
–C.S. Lewis

song that reflects my current state of mind: wish, nine inch nails

If you’re not familiar with the track (and are open-minded enough to check out some great music), I highly recommend giving this tune a listen. Perhaps I’ll get into details about why it’s so appropriate to my mood later… but for now, here’s some key lyrics from this badass classic NIN tune that are echoing in my head:

this is the first day of my last days
i built it up now i take it apart climbed up real high now fall down real far
no need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
i put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there’s nothing more fucked up i could do
wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you

And the truth shall set you free…

If honesty is the best policy, then why is it that people lie to one other so often? I’ll tell you why. It’s because the truth is often painful to reveal, and it’s easier for people to tell what they perceive to be an innocent lie in an attempt to shelter someone from the brutal truth. I am not pointing fingers, here, for I am guilty of the same thing, and not so far in the past, either. However, I have recently adopted a policy of trying to be as honest as possible, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is for me. Because no matter how much the truth may hurt someone today, the pain will only be magnified later when they find out that you deceived them, however good your intentions may have been.

So my new thing is trying to figure out why we can’t all make an effort to just be honest with one another. I mean, for me, it’s sometimes hard to be honest and open because I am scared of emotional vulnerability… and I am innately an introvert. However, I have recently been slowly pulling back the dark curtains that I have draped over my innermost feelings… revealing more and more of myself to people. And this alone has been one of the healthiest, most rewarding things I have ever done for myself. Having been a loner at more than one occasion in my life, it’s strange to shift my perspective to opening up to people. And it’s still scary because it is something that’s rather fresh to me. The very act of putting myself out there and being vulnerable was once so terrifying to me that I would craft my true emotions into hidden meanings in poems. And I did this JUST to work through how I was feeling and be able to share those feelings, albeit masked and shifted into another perspective. But the more I share with people and the more honest I am with others and with myself, the better I feel. It’s clichéd as hell, but the truth has set me free.

The idea of adopting the practice of being honest is part of my efforts to simplify my life. It’s so much easier to tell the truth– because you don’t have to worry about the truth coming out or about maintaining the lie. And, sure, the truth may hurt. But I myself would rather feel the sudden piercing of the truth than the grating tearing of a lie. Maybe this is a naive notion, but I think not. It’s not easy to be honest, but I’ve never in my life sought the easy way out, and I don’t intend to start. In the end, to me, it IS easier to be truthful because once you tell the truth, that’s it. There’s no backlash. No waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s it. C’est la vie.

I’ve said it already, but I’ll rephrase and repeat myself for emphasis… I will always prefer the brutal truth over a gentle lie, because lies only defer pain… and exacerbate it. Ah, the joy and serenity of the pure and simple, yet sometimes brutal, truth.

Give me liberty or give me death…

They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.
— Benjamin Franklin

Of course the people don’t want war. But after all, it’s the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it’s a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
— Herman Goering

Thanks to Chris for sharing these with me. It’s something to consider… as our government attempts to rape us of our civil liberties with the reasoning of security and as their only real argument. The second quote seems almost too eerily dead-on. Seems our boys in the White House are certainly learning from the past about the best ways to control their little sheep, the American public. And we all seem to be shrieking our fears in a chorus of “baas.”

Awesome Website

Check out this website, We’re Not Afraid!. It was created by a British guy in response to the recent terror attacks in London. Badass.

Recent Offline Musings – "Lauren’s Philosophical World", part deux

[begin disclaimer] I’m posting some recent offline journal entries as-is… I tend to write to myself in my offline journal, so I wanted to preface this entry with that information before I just put up some random post. [/end disclaimer]

7/10/2005
Life is not hard nor is it easy. Life is exactly what you make of it. There are barriers now that are holding you back. Simplify. SIMPLIFY. How can I stress this enough? Your truth, your peace, your reality lies in letting go of this connection you desperately cling to. You accept certain truths, yet you build up walls against yourself to keep you from breaking free. These bondages cannot persist because they aren’t persistent– they’re trivial. You seem to do the opposite of what you know to be true. Who is the greatest enemy? Look within? The battles you fight are but with yourself. Let go of all these preconceived notions, things you were TAUGHT to believe. The only reason you believe them is because there is an infrastructure supporting those beliefs. I am not happy. I do not like those beliefs. So I am going to set a course to establish new beliefs and goals for myself. Then, I can build all the supporting walls, etc. for my new way of life. It is that easy… and that hard.

Shatter the glass. It wasn’t meant to be molded together into a mirror anyway. Take the pieces back. Scorch them. Color them. Change them. Make something different with them. Challenge the preconceived notions of “what is” and “what should be.” There is where you will find your peace, your solace, your life. Stop fighting yourself so much. Just be. This will take time and effort, but it can be achieved. Simplify, simplify.

So what does simplicity mean to me? This notion of simplicity seems to be another vague philosophical attempt at trying to figure out what’s up with me. I do not intend it to be this way, but it is the best way to understand what I seek.


7/14/2005

The reason we think that life is so hard is because that’s what we’ve been taught to think. Our every action reinforces the idea that life is hard. We end up being our own worst enemies because we support these skewed notions of what is… we unknowingly cause life to be harder because that’s what we expect. Now the thing is, we can only really change our perspective. We then have to reinforce our own way of thinking so we can learn to deal and thrive in the world as it is– where everyone else is making things so hard for themselves. The only way to make sense of the senseless is to acknowledge the absurdity of it all and then try to maintain a clear frame of mind amidst all the chaos. Again, all of this sounds simple in theory, but it’s much more difficult in practice. That’s why one has to continually work to (1) unlearn their previous way of approaching the world, and (2) learn the new way of looking at things and dealing with all that life presents us with.

Growing Up

Lately, I’ve been going through a sort of depression/crisis of faith/growth phase where my emotional state has been rather turbulent. What it really seems to come down to is trying to find my middle ground… because I am intelligent and old enough to realize that the world is not such a happy place. Rather, the world is a scary place where terrible things happen, things that are hard to even fathom. And I mean, it’s not like this is news to me, but I had been trying on a rather optimistic outlook and it seemed hard to maintain a smile amidst all the corruption, violence, and malice in the world. The biggest thing for me is trying to comprehend how there can be so much evil in the world… when it seems to me that it’s so much easier for people to be good to one another. And the reality of it is… there’s not a “force of darkness” to be fought, because the capacity for evil lies in every person. The force of evil is a collective force of many individuals, and it seems to be an endless cycle that good can never really come out on top in– good can only serve to balance the evil. I guess my biggest source of confusion now is to find the beauty in that balance– the give and take– the yin and the yang– that still allows the planet to sustain life. One thought I keep coming back to is this– the opposite of life is not death, for life has no opposite. The opposite of death is birth. So that leaves life to be… what? I guess life encompasses the whole of those two opposites.

I am in a very philosophical mood these days. I am dissecting the world and trying to put back the pieces to form my own conception of all that there is. Wish me luck, and let’s hope the journey doesn’t drive me past the point of maintainable insanity.

Sandra Dee


Here’s the latest picture of Miss Sandra Dee. She went to visit her friend Leo Perry on his birthday. You can see all those pictures on my .mac page.

Sometimes I feel like talking to myself, not typing to myself

Well, I wanted to make a quick post to explain why I haven’t posted as regularly lately… part of it is because I have been busy as hell… I believe the best expression to describe how I’ve felt is “chasing one’s own ass.” Anyhow. Work is good, but busy. I’ve got a puppy to take care of, which takes up a lot of my time. And I’ve been having some adventures… well, there was an interesting night with Absinthe that I’ll need to comment on at some point. Other than that, the reason I haven’t posted is because I’ve been caught up with my own thoughts… trapped in my own head. Yeah, there’s some *stuff* going on with me. And I don’t really like to expose all of that to the world, so we’ll just leave it at that.

I’ll make it through my “stuff,” and I’ll offer some tidbits once I figure it all out. Peace.