Monthly Archives: August 2005

Subconscious Beliefs Mainifest in My Dreams & Haunt My Reality

I know this is a cliché, but it’s necessary to make my point. So deal with it. Here goes: If eyes are the windows to the soul, then my dreams are the windows to my subconscious.

More and more lately, I am aware of how my subconscious thoughts are manifesting themselves in dreams. The dream I had last night hit home because I was so shocked by the revelation it resulted in. The jest of the dream is this… and, yes, it’s a bit cheesy, but I can’t help what I dream, damnit. Well, only if I am lucid dreaming, but I haven’t mastered that yet. And I digress…

Okay, so last night I dreamt that I went to this bar to meet a guy I’d been talking to on MySpace. There’s your cheese, so eat it up, fools. It’s best served with crackers and wine. There were a bunch of small, dark wooden tables that complemented the overall dimness of the place, and a band was playing on a small stage down front. There was the typical cloud of smoke, and the bar reminded me of many of the places I’ve been to in the Highlands and Decatur Square. Oddly enough, I don’t recall hearing the music that was playing, but that’s not really vital to my point, although it is interesting to ponder.

I saunter down to Mister Cool from MySpace’s table, and he stands to greet me. We smile, and a slight fluttering fills my chest as I am excited that he actually looks like his pictures. We sit down, and I order a frosty beer, then I start chatting it up with Mister Cool. He seems pretty cool, which to be honest isn’t saying much because my MySpace standards are low after a lingering tendency to attract freaks and/or assholes. So coolness in this venue is more like… this dude has not yet revealed to me that he’s off the deep end. That’s all well and good– we’re chilling and talking, and Mister Cool seems like a good enough person. As we’re conversing, his face suddenly lights up in the direction of the entrance. Another girl has just walked into the bar. Mister Cool rises to embrace another Miss MySpace that he’s meeting this same evening. Wow! How do I know she’s from MySpace? Well, I recognize her from comments on his profile, and we proceed with the usual pleasantries. It turns out that this is their first meeting, too. Great. And he’s certainly more excited about meeting Miss Dream Girl than he was with meeting me. Bummer. Mister Cool is suddenly Mister Enamored, and I am Miss Shrunken Down in My Seat Wondering Why this Keeps Happening to Me.

So what’s my subconscious telling me? To not meet people from MySpace? Perhaps, but there’s a bigger issue underlying this scenario that goes outside of MySpace. To me, this dream tells me that I seem to believe that any guy I am interested in will be interested in someone else. And that, my dear friends, is a scary realization.

This very act of telling the world of my fear… of you, the reader, being aware of an inner working of my mind, well, this is vulnerability. I am exposed, but I no longer fear revealing too much. I am human, and I am fallible. And that, in and of itself, is truly beautiful.

What now? What comes next? How I deal with this new revelation? At least now I can see something that appears to be holding me back. No longer is this potent piece of information hidden away in the depths of my subconscious mind. Now that I am cognizant of it… well, what the hell do I do?

layer 0007 : horoscope accuracy test : day 4 Horoscope for: Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Lauren S. World,
You have reached an important turning point and now it’s time to regroup before you continue on your way. It’s not that you need to change directions; it’s just that you need a punctuation mark in your life — a comma or a semicolon, but not a period. Take a breather; go for a long lunch; or make time to meditate. Then, come back refreshed for what you must do next.
..ooO(this one is dead on. score for tarot!) Horoscope
Here’s your Aug 23 horoscope
Changes in your home could take place at this time. These are definitely positive changes, LAUREN, though they might seem a bit overwhelming. Some could even be described as upheavals, which might mean that someone could move in or move out. It could even involve moving to an entirely new place. They could also involve redecorating, refurbishing, or perhaps adopting a pet. At the very least, expect some emotional changes within yourself. Work hard and enjoy yourself!
..ooO(this one is also fairly accurate, although wins this day!)

better quality : new tattoo pix

hallucinogenic shopping list

so i have an interesting shopping list. a list of things i’d like to get my hands on, but they would not be easy, as most of them are illegal in the united states. weird how one thing can be legal in one region of the world yet illegal in another. but that’s an aside. back to the matter at hand. my wish list is, as follows:

  • mescaline : aldous huxley and hunter s. thompson both describe experiences that i need to live through to understand.
  • peyote : i must have my jim morrison desert hallucination experience.
  • absinthe : the first stuff i had was the ‘beginners’ version. i gotta try the more potent stuff.
  • psilocybin mushrooms : tried them once, they were enough fun to want to try again. these will be easier to get my hands on than anything.

i think that’s about it for now. why oh why do i want these things? well, as i have said before, i am interested in altered states. hallucinogenic drugs are an excellent way to plunge oneself into an altered state. if a, then b. logic is amazing this way. or you can take aldous huxley’s perspective:

“If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution-then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise.”

or even hunter s. thompson’s famous point of view:

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

my opinion, to continue, is this: life is short. i find drugs to be an interesting experience. life is experience. end of story.

two weeks notice

i turned in my two weeks notice yesterday. my last working day is friday september 2, 2005.

as this chapter closes, one begins anew…

crappy camera phone image of my tattoo…

for the hungry masses who can’t wait for a decent image from my digital cam, here’s one taken with my camera phone on friday, the day i got my tattoo. it’s right after i took the minature puppy pad off my arm.

how does one measure a good weekend?

well, aside from the not-getting-laid, my weekend was pretty badass, as far as weekends go.

on friday, i got a tattoo– a hunter s. thompson tribute, the gonzo logo on my upper right arm. i’ll be posting some pics shortly.

on saturday, i went to BT. first of all, i LOVE the tabernacle, as usual. of course, the last time i was there i saw trent, so this was somewhat less exciting in that respect. however, i did manage to get my ass up on stage for most of BT’s set. i got to shake my groove thang in front of the crowd. nice, eh? i was soaked to the bone after the show– my t-shirt was soaked with sweat. yummy! maybe that’s *why* i get ALL the boys. oh well.

well, i should get my ass in the shower, for it *is* monday, and i *do* have a 9:30 AM meeting that *i* scheduled.

layer 0007 : horoscope accuracy test : day 3
A new sense of closeness to those around you might have you feeling especially happy today, LAUREN. Your business and financial life should be going very well, your future should seem bright, and now this comes to bring the icing on the cake. Your mind might turn to projects that you might want to try in the future, and this could increase your enthusiasm. Ideas for even more could be coming thick and fast. Enjoy your day.
Whatever you thought was already settled comes back with a twist. Someone didn’t tell you everything and now it’s time for full disclosure. Getting all the hidden feelings out into the open may be upsetting, but everyone will feel better once it’s all been expressed.

where’s my invite?

Hunter S. Thompson’s widow is holding a massive star-studded party instead of a wake for the writer’s funeral this Saturday – to honor his final wish. The lavish bash, which will be attended by 250 guests including actors Sean Penn and Johnny Depp, will include readings from Thompson’s work and live musical performances. The unusual ceremony will also see the cremated remains of the Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas author, who was a huge fan of explosives, being shot into the air over his Woody Creek, Colorado home. Hollywood star Depp – who portrayed Thompson in the 1998 movie version of the bestseller – is financing the send off, and has been busy constructing a special cannon so he can blast his late pal Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes into the sky. According to the New York Post, the memorial platform/cannon will be unveiled on Sunday and has been modeled on Thompson’s Gonzo logo: a clenched fist, made symmetrical with the addition of a second thumb, perched above a dagger. Thompson’s widow Anita insists the upbeat celebration is perfect for the unconventional star. She says “No crying, no tears, only celebration. He wanted people to celebrate. He envisioned it to be a beautiful party. The most amazing people would be there. His friends would celebrate his life. And he was even specific that there would be clinking of ice and whisky.”

another article that mentions something interesting (when is something about hst not?)…

A hand-scrawled note on the refrigerator in Hunter S. Thompson’s kitchen says, “Never call 911/Never/This means you/HST.”

“If I’d written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people, including me, would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.”

ooh trent wants me!

listening to the perfect drug… trent wants me! no, for real. seriously! i mean, all you have to see is what i heard. take a look at what he said to me:
you make me hard, when i’m all soft inside
i see the truth, when i’m all stupid eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood wants to say hello to you
my feelings want to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
every little word is a lack of me

and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you