Maybe it’s true, maybe we don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it. But, maybe it’s also true that we don’t know what we’re missing until we find it.
- A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
I miss my friend Emily. She’s been on my mind quite a lot since she passed away in December — only the degree to which she encompasses my thoughts wanes. Ebbs and flows of grief, happy memories, regrets, relief, and sadness, oh woeful sadness.
Dealing with emotions, particularly the death of a young, close friend, is not one of my gifts in this life. Truth be told, I’m horrible at it. I used alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever form of distraction available to escape any emotion. When the big emotions came, I went harder into partying. The bigger the emotion, the harder the substance. Now that I am sober, I’m having to relearn how to live. Not just emotionally, either. I’m learning - properly this time - how to be an adult. I have a therapist to help me with the emotional stuff, plus the support of my sober network. I now have a nutritionist helping me to learn how to eat right and take care of my body. I see a doctor regularly for medication and checkups on my physical well-being. I go to near-daily AA meetings to help in my sobriety. I need to figure out who/what I need to put in place in order to make some sense out of my household. Perhaps that will come with time. It’s just so interesting to me that I could be so book smart and seemingly street smart, yet have no real, domestic life skills. Part of what I’m learning is that if you can’t take care of yourself, you can hire people to help you learn how to do so. That’s been a refreshing realization.
I’ve broadened my social circle and let more people in to the depths of my inner world than I ever fathomed possible. I’m learning how to be honest – truly, transparently honest (as much as is possible). I’m learning to listen to my intuition. To trust in my higher power. To believe that other people really do care about my well-being. I’m learning how to live.
So many of these lessons have been fostered by the people I’ve bonded with as a result of Emily’s passing. I wish that I could have forged these friendships and Emily was still alive, but that’s not part of the plan. Things couldn’t have worked out this way without Emily’s death. That’s a hard pill for me to swallow, but I know with great depth of conviction that it is true. I’m eternally grateful for Emily. She’ll always be a part of my life and not just because of the tribute tattoo I got for her with her twin sister. She’s woven throughout my social circle now.
I have a long road ahead of me, but I feel like the blinders are finally off. There’s a great forward momentum. I am growing, changing, and evolving. I don’t have to run away from emotions anymore. I will eventually be able to function in a loving romantic relationship, should the right partner present him or herself. I will be stronger. I will be able to achieve anything that I want. I have hope. To summarize, as Carl Sanburg said, “I don’t know where I am going, but I’m on my way.”
Do the things you used to talk about doing but never did. Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don’t be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologizing all the time. Learn to say no, so your yes has some oomph. Spend time with the friends who lift you up, and cut loose the ones who bring you down. Stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it. Finally know who you are.
damn. there it is. spelled out before my eyes. proof! and not some paltry imitation. no, i’m talking serious evidence that removes all doubt.
look! i just knew it! well, bully for me.
sometimes i forget that being proven right can come with such bittersweetness.
Just wanted to drop a note here to say that I am still alive and kicking. However, I have a lot going on right now, so I haven’t had time for any real posting.
I hope to post something of substance… or perhaps a rant or update on my world soon.
Man, I am just having a hell of a week. Things were pretty great overall for the past couple months, and then WHOOSH! Everything goes down the toilet. Well, to be fair, not everything has completely gone to hell. It’s just a lot of crappy things seem to have befallen me with the start of this week.
Even now, I’m not even finishing typing my goddamned post… but I managed to hit something that made the post submit as-is. So I am still working on this post… if you’re reading it now and this is the last paragraph break, then come back for all the side-splitting excitement.
Yes, I AM in a mood. If you have a problem with it and don’t care to read my rant, then go somewhere else. The faint of heart need not continue. So what the fuck is my deal, then? Shall I continue on in utter abstraction ad nauseum? Certainly not. Well, let’s see… for starters, my boyfriend left town on Monday, which kinda sucks. Not sure what his plan is, but I hope that I we can figure all that out. That’s one thing I’m pretty guarded about, folks. Current relationships. I just don’t like to divulge too much of what I am thinking/feeling/etc. I would hate for my significant other to catch wind of something I posted via the gossip train, particularly if it were out of context. Plus, I just have issues in general with revealing too much/too little in romantic relationships, so that chip on my shoulder holds me back. Needless to say, my point is… my man is gone, for now at least, and it sucks.
What else, what else? Well, I managed to plan my finances poorly and blow through my paycheck over the weekend. I had been very on top of my finances and budget before I switched jobs, but I hadn’t taken the time to update my budget or keep track of my spending/bill paying once I started my new job… plus I started dating the guy I am with now around this time… and going out a lot more… so my spending has been a bit unbridled. Without thinking, I paid a bunch of my bills… then realized that I’d missed a payment on one of my credit cards. Not only did the bastards make me pay the missed payment, the current payment, and a late fee… but the fuckers raised my APR from a decent 10% to a ridiculous 30%. Something about that is just wrong. Clearly, I am having some, albeit limited, issues with making my payments on time. So I screw up once… and you completely fuck me over. Let’s see, this poor young girl is so broke she missed a payment. Hmm, let’s anally rape her for all she’s worth and more. So, not only do I have about $0 to live on for the next week and a half, now I have to desperately try to get a new credit card (if possible, given my credit rating) or seek out a consumer credit counseling agency. I think I am going to attempt the latter.
Okay, well it looks like lunch time is over… I’ll try to continue this lovely rant at a later time. Any advice would be great… or even shared stories of woe and financial torment. Peace for now.
To add insult to injury, my favorite jeans (and the only ones that actually fit comfortably right now due to my recent binge of drinking, eating junk, and not exercising) have sprouted holes and are refusing to accept the patches that I’ve ironed on in a futile attempt to save this ever-so expensive, stylish item of clothing that’s becoming a commodity in my wardrobe. [see my post from yesterday re. hating clothes because (a) I spend too much on them (jeans in particular) for them to tear up faster than any Levi's I could beat the shit out of, and (b) because my fat ass isn't fitting nicely in my wardrobe so I hate all my clothes in general]. Fuck.
I realized that the commitment to do well and to be well is a lifetime of choices that you make daily. The space to live in is not “I’ll try.” Not “I want to.” Not “I really want to.” It’s “I have decided.”
Once you realize that something will only go as far as someone else shall allow… what do you do? Do you enjoy the ride, as HST may have claimed… “But the ticket, take the ride,” or do you back off, knowing that you yourself may become too involved to let things just flow…?
I think part of my problem lately, and I won’t get into specifics of the precise scenario, is that I tend to take certain things too seriously. Rather than allowing the natural progression of things, I get a bit manic, which can only lead to trouble. So I’m working to adjust my expectations in the hopes that I won’t find myself disappointed when external factors do not match my internal views. Hopefully this will make life a bit easier.
Living, learning, and constantly striving to grow. Can’t beat that with a stick, eh?