Argh. I’m back to where I’ve been before… wondering whether it’s even worthwhile to post my random thoughts and questions to this little corner of the web. You see, I do have an offline electronic journal, as well as an offline paper journal… and I am more forthright and straightforward in those journals for obvious reasons… not wanting to lay it all out here and such. However, would that be preferable? Just put it all out there?

Because all these thoughts I post at random leave me feeling much like Billy Idol, although I am not dancing with myself but talking (typing) to myself. I dunno what to do from this point. Surely, I know that at least *someone* reads my ramblings… because I have the webstats to prove it. However, I do hope to elicit responses from some of my posts… Meh. I dunno. Just another rambling post to get something off my chest, I suppose. I’m just at the point now where I’m wondering whether any of it is even worthwhile. Perhaps I am just overanalyzing… but it’s another stream of consciousness meant to do something, even if it’s wrong, I suppose.

the sign tells you to be very cautious. do not ignore the obvious.

Perception is an interesting thing. Another person’s perception of you is especially interesting, especially when you learn it after the fact… and years later. It’s interesting because I guess I’ve always thought about how others perceived me– I suppose we all do— but now I can actually step outside myself. I was not always able to do this. It’s amazing how one person’s revelation about how they saw you can color how you look back on the past. Events that were of a certain dimension in my memory suddenly have a different depth. Someone revealed to me that perhaps people in my past attempted to control my intelligence and beauty (his words, not mine). People wanted my attention so they responded to me in a way as to garner my focus. That’s rather fucked up. Alas, this is another person’s perspective, mind you, but it’s interesting to consider. I’m not going to get my head up my ass or anything, but it’s a matter of intrigue… for reflection at least. It’s difficult to perceive how someone else can think of me as they do… when I see myself and all my faults. Perhaps I was less willing to admit to them before. That was a point that was made to me, too. I am more open in general, and I am willing to admit when I am wrong and accept criticism. Growth is good. It’s especially good when you can share your growth with someone and they are willing to give you another chance because they can see the change in you.

If honesty is the best policy, then why is it that people lie to one other so often? I’ll tell you why. It’s because the truth is often painful to reveal, and it’s easier for people to tell what they perceive to be an innocent lie in an attempt to shelter someone from the brutal truth. I am not pointing fingers, here, for I am guilty of the same thing, and not so far in the past, either. However, I have recently adopted a policy of trying to be as honest as possible, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is for me. Because no matter how much the truth may hurt someone today, the pain will only be magnified later when they find out that you deceived them, however good your intentions may have been.

So my new thing is trying to figure out why we can’t all make an effort to just be honest with one another. I mean, for me, it’s sometimes hard to be honest and open because I am scared of emotional vulnerability… and I am innately an introvert. However, I have recently been slowly pulling back the dark curtains that I have draped over my innermost feelings… revealing more and more of myself to people. And this alone has been one of the healthiest, most rewarding things I have ever done for myself. Having been a loner at more than one occasion in my life, it’s strange to shift my perspective to opening up to people. And it’s still scary because it is something that’s rather fresh to me. The very act of putting myself out there and being vulnerable was once so terrifying to me that I would craft my true emotions into hidden meanings in poems. And I did this JUST to work through how I was feeling and be able to share those feelings, albeit masked and shifted into another perspective. But the more I share with people and the more honest I am with others and with myself, the better I feel. It’s clichéd as hell, but the truth has set me free.

The idea of adopting the practice of being honest is part of my efforts to simplify my life. It’s so much easier to tell the truth– because you don’t have to worry about the truth coming out or about maintaining the lie. And, sure, the truth may hurt. But I myself would rather feel the sudden piercing of the truth than the grating tearing of a lie. Maybe this is a naive notion, but I think not. It’s not easy to be honest, but I’ve never in my life sought the easy way out, and I don’t intend to start. In the end, to me, it IS easier to be truthful because once you tell the truth, that’s it. There’s no backlash. No waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s it. C’est la vie.

I’ve said it already, but I’ll rephrase and repeat myself for emphasis… I will always prefer the brutal truth over a gentle lie, because lies only defer pain… and exacerbate it. Ah, the joy and serenity of the pure and simple, yet sometimes brutal, truth.