Tag Archives: dating

Subconscious Beliefs Mainifest in My Dreams & Haunt My Reality

I know this is a cliché, but it’s necessary to make my point. So deal with it. Here goes: If eyes are the windows to the soul, then my dreams are the windows to my subconscious.

More and more lately, I am aware of how my subconscious thoughts are manifesting themselves in dreams. The dream I had last night hit home because I was so shocked by the revelation it resulted in. The jest of the dream is this… and, yes, it’s a bit cheesy, but I can’t help what I dream, damnit. Well, only if I am lucid dreaming, but I haven’t mastered that yet. And I digress…

Okay, so last night I dreamt that I went to this bar to meet a guy I’d been talking to on MySpace. There’s your cheese, so eat it up, fools. It’s best served with crackers and wine. There were a bunch of small, dark wooden tables that complemented the overall dimness of the place, and a band was playing on a small stage down front. There was the typical cloud of smoke, and the bar reminded me of many of the places I’ve been to in the Highlands and Decatur Square. Oddly enough, I don’t recall hearing the music that was playing, but that’s not really vital to my point, although it is interesting to ponder.

I saunter down to Mister Cool from MySpace’s table, and he stands to greet me. We smile, and a slight fluttering fills my chest as I am excited that he actually looks like his pictures. We sit down, and I order a frosty beer, then I start chatting it up with Mister Cool. He seems pretty cool, which to be honest isn’t saying much because my MySpace standards are low after a lingering tendency to attract freaks and/or assholes. So coolness in this venue is more like… this dude has not yet revealed to me that he’s off the deep end. That’s all well and good– we’re chilling and talking, and Mister Cool seems like a good enough person. As we’re conversing, his face suddenly lights up in the direction of the entrance. Another girl has just walked into the bar. Mister Cool rises to embrace another Miss MySpace that he’s meeting this same evening. Wow! How do I know she’s from MySpace? Well, I recognize her from comments on his profile, and we proceed with the usual pleasantries. It turns out that this is their first meeting, too. Great. And he’s certainly more excited about meeting Miss Dream Girl than he was with meeting me. Bummer. Mister Cool is suddenly Mister Enamored, and I am Miss Shrunken Down in My Seat Wondering Why this Keeps Happening to Me.

So what’s my subconscious telling me? To not meet people from MySpace? Perhaps, but there’s a bigger issue underlying this scenario that goes outside of MySpace. To me, this dream tells me that I seem to believe that any guy I am interested in will be interested in someone else. And that, my dear friends, is a scary realization.

This very act of telling the world of my fear… of you, the reader, being aware of an inner working of my mind, well, this is vulnerability. I am exposed, but I no longer fear revealing too much. I am human, and I am fallible. And that, in and of itself, is truly beautiful.

What now? What comes next? How I deal with this new revelation? At least now I can see something that appears to be holding me back. No longer is this potent piece of information hidden away in the depths of my subconscious mind. Now that I am cognizant of it… well, what the hell do I do?

Official Statement of Retraction : Re. Swearing Off Dating

So, even as I made my proclamation to swear off dating, I knew it was somewhat of a flawed statement, but I needed to make it at the time. I have recently allowed myself to begin dating again, and I am now officially retracting my statement claiming that I would no longer date. I can now see how ludicrous it was to say that, but I’d been through a terrible run of bad luck with guys (boys?!) at the time, and I was just fed up. However, I’ve never really been one to just utterly give up, which is why, even as I made the statement, I knew that it was more of a momentary reaction than, say, a true and lasting declaration of celibacy.

That being said, I am learning more and more about this fun and awful world of dating. Each turn I take on the wild ride of dating has taught me something, so I guess that’s all I can really ask… to learn from these flawed experiments that I’ve called “dates.” Ha. And I shall continue to learn and make mistakes because once we close ourselves off from the possibility of learning, we settle for the comfort and monotony of the known. My thirst for knowledge will not succumb to the whims of my emotions, no matter how many tears and lashings my heart must endure. I always come back to this one quote by C.S. Lewis, so if you’ve known me for some period of time, you’ve probably seen this before, but it is a gem. If you haven’t known me for long (or perhaps do not even know me at all), then I am overjoyed that I can share this wonderful quote with you, just as it was shared with me by someone in my past who was near and dear to my heart. It helps me to come back out of my shell time and time again:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket –safe, dark, motionless, airless– it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
–C.S. Lewis

Swearing off Dating…

So, I came to a conclusion last night, and I may eventually change my mind about this, as it’s a woman’s prerogative to do so, but for the time being I am officially swearing off dating. Life has broken me down. I had previously decided against dating, but then I had my debacle with the British man, plus some other semi-drama, that has led me to believe that dating just sucks and that I don’t want any part of it. See, I tend to get myself in these types of situations:

  • He’s attracted to me, but I am not attracted to him.
  • We’re both attracted to one another but he is unavailable– either he’s married, doesn’t want a relationship, or has relationship issues.
  • We’re both attracted to one another, but he goes off the deep end and becomes obsessed with me, thus driving me away.

These seem to be the general situations that I get myself into, so I’m throwing in the towel. No, I don’t want to venture to the other side because women are more trouble then men. So, until further notice, I am officially swearing off dating. I am now in semi-Samantha Jones mode, although I don’t want to be quite as sexually active as her. There’s a great freedom in this declaration. Here’s to fun and leaving drama behind.

I wonder why I was surprised…

So, guess what? Here I was, not wanting to date anyone at all… happy being my single self and trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and where I want to go in life. Lo and behold, I meet a fetching British man. We exchange emails and go out to lunch, where we have great conversation. He even asks me out again– this time to go see Star Wars. He walks me to my car, gives me a kiss and a hug. I am smitten– what girl wouldn’t be?

Of course, it was all a bit too much. I emailed him this morning to ask about the movie, and I get a lovely email response this afternoon that includes this oh-so-important piece of information:

I have a problem, I have a wife and two kids back in the UK and regardless of the relationship I don’t think its fair to drag you into the situation (you don’t need the hassle) you’re young free and single and the last thing you want is to get involved with a married man. I know I should have mentioned this before… I’m kind of surprised it never came up but before this goes any further you need to know.
I’m sorry to be the one to spoil your day but you need to know sooner rather than later… Once again sorry.

So there ya go. Guys are shit. Here’s my response to his email:

Wow. Well, I guess better late than never, but I don’t really understand why you pursued me in the first place. You are married. You have kids. That is just wrong on so many levels– to me, to your wife, and to your kids. How insensitive. You’re surprised it never came up? That’s bullshit. It never came up because YOU never brought it up. It’s one thing to not tell me in the first place, but then to go and say something like that makes it even worse. I mean, you decided to come clean with me, but then you can’t even take responsibility for not telling me in the first place. That’s manipulative and deceitful, and I don’t want any part of it.