I know this is a cliché, but it’s necessary to make my point. So deal with it. Here goes: If eyes are the windows to the soul, then my dreams are the windows to my subconscious.
More and more lately, I am aware of how my subconscious thoughts are manifesting themselves in dreams. The dream I had last night hit home because I was so shocked by the revelation it resulted in. The jest of the dream is this… and, yes, it’s a bit cheesy, but I can’t help what I dream, damnit. Well, only if I am lucid dreaming, but I haven’t mastered that yet. And I digress…
Okay, so last night I dreamt that I went to this bar to meet a guy I’d been talking to on MySpace. There’s your cheese, so eat it up, fools. It’s best served with crackers and wine. There were a bunch of small, dark wooden tables that complemented the overall dimness of the place, and a band was playing on a small stage down front. There was the typical cloud of smoke, and the bar reminded me of many of the places I’ve been to in the Highlands and Decatur Square. Oddly enough, I don’t recall hearing the music that was playing, but that’s not really vital to my point, although it is interesting to ponder.
I saunter down to Mister Cool from MySpace’s table, and he stands to greet me. We smile, and a slight fluttering fills my chest as I am excited that he actually looks like his pictures. We sit down, and I order a frosty beer, then I start chatting it up with Mister Cool. He seems pretty cool, which to be honest isn’t saying much because my MySpace standards are low after a lingering tendency to attract freaks and/or assholes. So coolness in this venue is more like… this dude has not yet revealed to me that he’s off the deep end. That’s all well and good– we’re chilling and talking, and Mister Cool seems like a good enough person. As we’re conversing, his face suddenly lights up in the direction of the entrance. Another girl has just walked into the bar. Mister Cool rises to embrace another Miss MySpace that he’s meeting this same evening. Wow! How do I know she’s from MySpace? Well, I recognize her from comments on his profile, and we proceed with the usual pleasantries. It turns out that this is their first meeting, too. Great. And he’s certainly more excited about meeting Miss Dream Girl than he was with meeting me. Bummer. Mister Cool is suddenly Mister Enamored, and I am Miss Shrunken Down in My Seat Wondering Why this Keeps Happening to Me.
So what’s my subconscious telling me? To not meet people from MySpace? Perhaps, but there’s a bigger issue underlying this scenario that goes outside of MySpace. To me, this dream tells me that I seem to believe that any guy I am interested in will be interested in someone else. And that, my dear friends, is a scary realization.
This very act of telling the world of my fear… of you, the reader, being aware of an inner working of my mind, well, this is vulnerability. I am exposed, but I no longer fear revealing too much. I am human, and I am fallible. And that, in and of itself, is truly beautiful.
What now? What comes next? How I deal with this new revelation? At least now I can see something that appears to be holding me back. No longer is this potent piece of information hidden away in the depths of my subconscious mind. Now that I am cognizant of it… well, what the hell do I do?